| films... |
[Jan. 2nd, 2004|01:46 am] |
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So I saw the last samurai on sunday with declan and justin martin... Then I saw it again tonight with declan and justin steckle... I cried more the second time because of what has been happening recently... I just... There's a few scenes in that film that speak of the spirit within life. It speaks of real LIVING instead of just... Rotting life away... I just... When she puts on his armor for him I was long gone... And at the end... Its just really rare to find a film with such passion... I hope I can one day die a man of passion... |
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| if dark means light... |
[Dec. 31st, 2003|01:45 pm] |
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If cold means warmth... If dry means wet... If sorrow means joy... If anger means peace... If dispair means hope... If hate means love... Then I have a future in this place... |
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| Warmth to a frozen soul... |
[Dec. 30th, 2003|01:41 am] |
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No more cold... Due the warm crimson washing over me... All that remains as I fade from the loss of it... Words cannot replace the void of emotion... I try to fight the demons in chase... Oppressed and depressed as abandon for a higher call... Frozen tears fall and shatter... As lost dreams from a lost mind... The gashes of the present slash out the slices of the past... No more voices from my within... My heart falls weary and my light pushed to dim... Rain cuts through the eve like tears through my palms... And once again death comforts me... |
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| Are all men's words decite? |
[Dec. 29th, 2003|06:55 pm] |
"I heard the cry of your heart that you where not aware of. So today I am calling you in closer says the Lord.
Yes a strong man you shall be. But know this, that I have called you to be weak in my presence and dependant on me.
Hear me now you cannot depend on yourself, but if you give it all to me you can depend on me and I will guide you.
There are things in your heart that you long to do. And long to be that I have put there. Know that I am with you says the Lord. Only do not follow your own way...
Follow now the ways of the Lord. Study to show yourself approved unto God, a workman that does not need to be ashamed.
Rightly dividing the word of truth. For you are called to be a leader.
The hand of God is upon you to be a leader...
I will train you in ways you never dreamed. My hand is on your life... My hand is on your life..."
If only prophecies were true... |
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| Lamentations... |
[Dec. 28th, 2003|07:33 pm] |
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As I run I wonder where the grace has gone. I fall into dreams more hurt filled than life. Everything fades away as water spewing from the lick of flame, and I find where the fields of grey drink the skies of black. And with the nightmare comes void that life is hollow, and hope is empty as the caverns of my soul. Wishing only for truth I find but distrust. When grievance becomes the griever, when the crimson cleansing is the last thing there is, and when lead is the only known escape... |
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| Hero... |
[Aug. 28th, 2003|02:40 am] |
In gruesome agony our young hero lays. Broken by battle of unmatched vulgarity, his body lies strangely slumped as though he has been for days. The searing from his wounds begins to coagulate, cold as though it is leaving a frozen heart. And after taking sight of such a wonder encumbers a question, “What could do such a thing?” And as thoughts churn like the flaccid waters his flesh is omitting, a filled scream curdles up from this supposed corpse. One so atrociously hurt filled that no such cry had ever been screamed before. As he chokes on the ghastly fluids creeping off his tongue, his eyes shine something far more appalling than all things of yet. In these eyes remains a pain far more wrenching than and damnation. In the depth of this ly gray gaze there is a darkness speaking of the greatest pain of all. The broken heart of a lost love. His tears now flow like a burning acid. As he quivers he shares something, barely able to whisper. He groans of his tale. For a lifetime his heart was alone in darkness, cold and odious. He searched life for a cure to this pain, and when no cure could be found he did something few survive. He surrendered all hope of the future he dreamed of, to point that would end it. And then… From the heavens God sent the angel he had seen in his dreams. She picked him up from the path he was trudging and showed him something real. And as he continued to speak of his tale, his eyes shine a vivid sign of something very special. He stops murmuring and his visage begins to glow as he speaks of the precious love they shared. Not something perverse and ghastly. But something far more gorgeous and pure than anything the world could ever know. They grew together in a spiritual bond directly around the Fathers love. Nothing of the earth could ever break this spiritual bond. A love so true that the very breath of God was felt every time they would tell each other of the things they knew to be true. Then the most painful thing that could ever happen did. They where split apart by the inescapable misunderstanding of the world their bodies resided in. This broke their hearts so gravely. The pain grows even more grim in our hero’s eyes as he continues to share of the endless path he has returned to. He defines how he has fallen to the place he now subsides. More tears fall as he weeps desire of a future with his lost love. And as his tears continue to shed. The heavens seem to open and a voice is heard. He looks up and hears his Fathers voice speak, And when his crystal gaze returns to earth. He tries to explain of what he heard. Saying: "Arise my child, for your prayers are not in vain. I have seen the pain within you dear one. The love you feel and weep for is not lost. No my child. It is only beginning. These coming times where you are apart will only make your love stronger. But there will still be pain in await of that day. And you must always cry out to Me in such times. I love you very much. The entity I created for you knows this also. Keep strong my child. Continue to wait for her as she waits for you. You're pains are matched only by each other. But she knows I’m here and that I love her. Yet you must both continue to love and follow me. Or else all love on earth ‘tis but in vain. Keep growing together and in my perfect time you both shall be one..." As he ends his sharing he appears somehow new. His scars remain yet he shines a new light. Calling forth to new strength he rises, and once again he proceeds to the path down the road which he was walking. And as the last glimpse of his figure fades into the distance... There is the enlightening that love is mere folly without Christ.
And to this day he fights for passion and waits for his love... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 22nd, 2003|11:50 am] |
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I'm layin you down... And I'm walking away... And if He ever says your the one for me... Then I guess it will work out... But all this means... I am going somewhere without you... I dont want to grow alone anymore... I dont want to be alone anymore... But I slide back down that hole... Goodbye... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2003|09:34 pm] |
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My life is going "great" in the eyes of the world... The job and "life" is all growing to such great heights... Never been better in that aspect... Yet I would give it all up in a second if it meant being able to hear your voice... |
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| Why so alone... |
[Jul. 15th, 2003|06:11 pm] |
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I take such joy in the small things... I walk alone through the fields late at night... All the scents and the aura's... The fireflies glistening as they resinate peace... The moon's grace shines on me like the light of His presence... Its all so peaceful... And yet all I can think about... Is why you cant be there with me... |
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| .............................. |
[Jul. 12th, 2003|11:13 pm] |
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I remember how it was in the beginning... The pure wonder of who I was getting to know... The exitement of knowing you... Each time I spoke with you and saw more of what was within... It was all so gorgeous I didnt know what to do... Then for a time... It was good... Then, after some more time... I began to wonder how it could ever be... How close yet so far we where... And for a time... There was pain... Then, after a moderation of anylizing and learning... I fell deeper into knowing you... And things began to come together clear... And His voice rung through me... And for a time... It was good... Then I went away... And there was so much pain... I grew distant but knew it would make us stronger in the future... I desired so badly to just... Hear you... And for a time... It was bad... Then I neared coming home... And grew closer to my Father... There was so much exitement of coming back and seeing you... And for a time... It was good... Then I came home... And it was almost as if you had died to me... Not one thing in you shined as it did before... I thought the person I once cared for... Now loathed me in return... And for a time... It was bad... Then, new light finally shined through... And I saw into the real you... And I was in awe of the greatness of the future... And for a time... It was gorgeous... Then, a lie was believed... One that could not be fixed... Because the believer had no trust... All I wanted to do... Was grow with you towards our Father... As His children and nothing more... But even this... Would not come true... And every day... I fall farther away from you... I dont want anymore pain... But there is nothing I can do... I dont want to live a lie... Too many sleepless nights... Too many rage filled fights... Too many hurt filled tears... No more... No more... There is nothing I can do... I surrender you to Him... Maybe in the future... There may be someone else he trusts... But in this time... I depart from you... Like water from a dark cloud... I pray for salvation from this odius nightmare... There is nothing I can do... Life's end would be so sweet... In the end all would be happier... And you could finally see... That the key is truly not me... |
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| Conceptual lies... |
[Jul. 12th, 2003|11:46 am] |
There is no battle to fight here... Just foolish human gestures with no true defanitions... My lack of trust has pulled me down... The way He made me proved a curse... To be so extreme shall always be painful... When I liked it before... I now loath my differences... Just to be able to mingle with all those humans I dont trust... My God I'm so tired... Of all the lies and the hurts... Grief here becomes me... Yet anger plays also... Where the joy and peace filled... I loath fewer things... Most all now myself... And want to let you live a life... With someone more human... So all the other people can see and say: "Well done."
I detest these situations... Amiss my mind now is... I want to return to the way it was... But know it never will... |
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| unescapable destiny... |
[Jul. 11th, 2003|11:41 pm] |
The sounds grow weary within my ears... Their translucent waves beating outside my head... My eyes fade to a darker shade... And appear transparent when hidden as this... Outside of my body... These senses lose touch... And no more do I feel...
At times I want to beat myself down... Pulp myself to pieces... No more here remaining... Send myself to the hell where I belong... Forever burning in the we call pain...
Where did all my joy go? I need Him to fill my cup... Yet grievance I remain... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2003|10:56 pm] |
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Life would be so much sweeter... |
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| The paintings that your eyes emit... |
[Jul. 7th, 2003|08:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The ever present beat of my screaming heart... | ] |
When I gaze into your radient eyes... Sense your gorgeous face... Feel the blissful spirit you resound... So much burns within my heart... So much to reach out and save you from the existance we knew... So much of these feelings take part in who I am...
When speaking to my Father, He only makes it stronger... The feelings just grow much stronger than before... Sometimes I fear of things I should not...
Listen dear rose... The devil may fight us... Do all in his power attemt here to dwindle us... But know you are strong... His glory within...
I see it inside you... Like a box with no key... And at times I wonder... If that key could be me... |
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| And I cease desire for self sustain... |
[Jun. 23rd, 2003|10:05 am] |
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The darkness nearer by the hour... Odius stench of a future out of grasp... Want waining beyond full compulsion... The dreams of permisable destruction... The scent and taste of is beyond anything before them... The gorge in my chest never ceases flow... The voices in the backround screaming with a roar I've never heard before... I awake, and the sweat covering me reminds of the ... And I wish the dreams where real... Only because I feel more alive in the dream world than in the real world... The real world is more of a nightmare than the dreams... Awaken dreamer... The real world waits... |
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| What in hell is wrong with me? |
[Jun. 19th, 2003|06:39 pm] |
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I dont know what my disturbance is... I have far more than I could have ever known or desired in the past... My "life" has never been better. I got the job, the money, the future, the faith I never knew I could have, a love that I never knew before... And yet... The voices, the fears and sleepless nights reside... So unsure of such a positive future... It seems at times all I deem myself worthy of is never-ending exile. Only because brings rest... I feel so alone and amiss now... Yet when I actually was, I felt so much more complete... Yet I return and find that this reality I dreamed of ceases existance... Like the to the head after a fight... Sometimes walking away isnt an option... Although I'm anylizing avouch of running... What kind of a machine have I become? |
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| ... |
[Apr. 1st, 2003|06:26 pm] |
I have watched my sister grow my whole life... And she has always been the standard of the ladies in it... And I work far different then she does... in the past if someone doesnt like me I disregard it. But someone has shown me something new... I'm not like that anymore. Now if I see someone dislikes me I attemt to change there way of thinking... Not by crawling on the ground for them... But by setting an example... But my dear sweet older sister... She will do anything to make people care... I know this because she is one of those people who love more than they recieve... They cant understand why others cannot... I made an apology because I know I shouldnt of had a hard heart... She gets railed for not having an apology for not wanting to get hurt... I have seen the love... I have seen the tears... And I have heard the words of this precious woman... She and many of her dearest friends are so deep in faith... I know its far beyond that of which myself or any other man I know could ever achieve... If she has to crawl for the ones who cannot accept her as she is... Then I have to choose a side because I have seen back stabbing unlike any in my life... And for those of you who have seen me once I do... Pray it doesnt end up that way... |
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